(no subject)

[kaiju_mittons]

I'm writing this here because I know there won't be many people who see it or who will want to comment on it. I just need to get it out so most of it probably won't even make coherent sense, it's just rambling.



I feel like such an utter failure in every sense of the word. As a friend, as a girlfriend, as a daughter, as an employee. I just feel like there's no way anyone would want to talk to me because over the past few months, I've become so utterly... I don't know, I don't want to outright say depressed because I haven't been to a doctor or anything, but I'm not sure what else to call it.

Some days, like today, I just really hate myself. Over the smallest things, too. I left my cinnamon rolls in the oven for a couple minutes too long, my dad had one that I had rolled with bacon (which I've been so excited to try) and said he didn't like it, so now I don't even want to eat mine. I feel like I want to throw up even though I've had nothing to eat but I don't want to eat because I feel so profoundly sad that I have no appetite. I hate that when I do have one, I can't exercise enough control over what I eat. I made it my goal to stop drinking soda, I've had 3 this week. I am trying to keep under a certain calorie count, I've gotten over it twice this week. I've only been at it for a week, and I can't even do it.

At work, I hate my boss so much that it makes me cry on my way home to work almost every day. She dumps all of her work on me and when we don't hit our goals, she demands a plan when the plan should be that she should help. I can't do it on my own, and she offers no real incentive (nor does the bank itself, for that matter) to try. She'll send me on menial tasks like returning shoes at the mall for her, which can only fuel her fire when I return and haven't gotten sales in for the day. The past week, I had to go to the mall twice to return shoes. There's still one pair I have to return for her because they needed her credit card for it, so I'll have to go again on Monday. I'm not going on my weekend and off the clock, there's just no way. I applied for a supervisor position in the branch, and she said my interviewer said the interview went well but I honestly don't trust anything she says anymore so I still have no idea what's going to happen.

A part of me hopes I get the promotion because I want to be able to have it on my resume when I finally leave this company. Another part of me hopes I don't because it will give me a reason to really start looking at other jobs now. I don't know if moving branches would help because I'll still hate the sales aspect of my job and even though I may go into another job where sales is a big part of it, I'd want it to be something like travel industry. Of course, my real wish would be to end up in the entertainment industry in some way or another, but it's difficult to tackle that when I can barely keep my ahead above water at work now.

My boyfriend tries so hard to make time to see me but I'm so afraid of being a burden to him with my complaints and whining that I try to avoid him sometimes. It makes me feel so guilty because he wants nothing more than just to be with me, to make sure I'm okay, and it's such a selfish thing to do. He's one of the very, very few people who make me feel better when I'm especially down, it's so ridiculous to run away from someone who can do that and yet, it keeps happening. Our four-year anniversary hits in April, and I'm still afraid that I'm going to run him off even though at this point, I think there isn't much that could make him do that when he already knows what kind of person I am. So I don't know what my problem is.

I try to use fiction as a distraction, whether it be through RP or letting my love for certain actors and characters go wild but for the most part, I only feel like it's irritating to most people. I've lost friends over the past year to things I still don't quite understand (a lack of presence in RP for a while? in which case, I suppose the friendship wasn't strong enough to begin with but it still makes me so bummed to know that I meant so little), I seek relationships with people who don't give me a second thought even when I try to be kind or reach out, and I know that I shouldn't expect anything from anyone for being nice but I suppose I'm that selfish in the sense that I think a little reciprocation can't possibly be that difficult. I don't understand myself in that regard, why I would want acknowledgment or approval or whatever it is I'm looking for from people who just don't consider me a relevant part of their lives. Maybe it's just the need to be universally liked, which I know I am not and is impossible in general, but knowing that doesn't seem to help. Knowing that it's not worth the trouble doesn't help. It'll always bum me out to know that there are people who don't like me just because of who I am and therefore, there's nothing I can do to change that.

I guess I just don't know what to do. I feel like a broken record because I've been singing the same song for months now but there's no quick fix. I've never felt this horribly before and I hate to be a burden on people who are willing to listen but must be so over what I have to say. I know that my true friends are always going to be there for me, would never tell me to stop venting because I would never do that to them either, but sometimes, I just feel very, very alone. Sometimes, I feel like I could purge myself from the internet and nobody would notice, nobody would care, and on those days (days like this), I wonder if maybe it really would be better just to remove myself from people's lives.

Anyway. Like I said, I just needed to get this all out somewhere. It gets hard to breathe sometimes, my chest gets all tight and the only thing that's left to do is cry, but I've never really written it all out quite like this so maybe it'll help. I feel slightly better having done it, I guess. Maybe I'll just delete it later, I don't know, but for now, I'm going to hope that I can get myself together and do something productive with my day before I have to go back to work tomorrow and do this all over again.

Comments

[deense]

It's an awful way to feel <3 you aren't a burden and though we don't talk as often as we might I fo enjoy your tweets and enthusiasm about things and life and actors and all sorts of stuff.

It sounds like work is at the core of it all and that sucks. Promotion or not maybe it is time to start looking for something else? Is there anyone else you can talk to about your manager? Sending you to return shoes and stuff like that is bullshit.

I don't have much advice to give other than to say it might be a good idea to see some professionally? A counsellor or some such? Also I love you and it sounds so hard right now. <3

[kaiju_mittons]

I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about the manager when even my ABM, who feels the same way (she's admitted to me that she's gone home and cried over work because of the BM to her husband and that she's thought about quitting because of it), doesn't plan on doing it. The regional manager is who the complain would go to and quite frankly, she's not a particularly good support system either. I'd want what I have to say about the BM to stay anonymous but honestly, I don't think that would even be possible. It would just be so obvious when there's only six of us working in the branch.

As far as looking for another job, I definitely don't plan on staying with the bank for an especially long period of time. If I get the promotion, I would probably stay for another year. I hit two years on January 7 (fuck all mention of it from anyone, of course, our previous regional had made it a point to congratulate me and celebrate it but this one and the BM don't give any shits), and I was just like -____- My previous manager was insistent that I ought to be an assistant manager because he thought I was so capable, and I hate that I lost someone like that. There are so many things I want to say about this BM and about how awful she is, but I just get so angry that I don't even want to get into it. Anyway, if I don't get the promotion, I will definitely be looking for a new gig sooner rather than later. I'm thinking about applying for a civil servant job, if I can find one that pays well.

I have planned on seeing a doctor, now it's just a matter of gathering the courage to do it. I'm not good at the whole doctor thing, I barely go when I have a cold and hate having to do it even then. This is a whole new ballpark for me, feeling this way, I've seriously never felt like this before in my entire life, and I know it's primarily to do with work. I just need to bite the bullet soon. Thank you for your kinds words <3

[intheenditslove]

I'm going to say first off, you never ever EVER need to stop venting to me. I'll be here through all of this and will help you out in any way I can. I know it's hard to believe sometimes, but I'll never not want to listen to you if you need someone. I promise.

I'm also going to say that the chest tightness and difficulty breathing and crying sounds like you're having panic attacks. It all sounds like depression, which I know you know, but I really do think talking to a doctor could help and I'm going to keep encouraging it until I sound like a broken record and you want to kick me, because you deserve to feel good about yourself. Work definitely isn't helping in that regard and I really hope something changes there soon. If you don't get the new position, I'll bug you to apply for new jobs and you can bug me, too.

A lot of what you've written sounds really familiar, especially with feeling like a burden on Adam and wanting to be liked. I honestly don't know what changed for me, but I know how hard that can be. How hard it can be just to remind yourself that the people in your life really do want you around and that it's okay if not everyone likes you. It's SO hard, I know it is. I just... I hear you on that.

I'm only one person, but I love you and you're stuck with me. <44444444 If you ever need anything, tell me. I'll always do whatever I can.

[kaiju_mittons]

<44444444 It's just so frustrating because I know it's okay not to be liked by everyone, I know it's simply impossible to be liked by everyone, sometimes personalities just clash and things don't happen and frankly, I sure as hell don't like even most people so it's all just backwards... and yet, I still let it get to me. I feel like such an idiot because even as I'm sad about it, that rational part of my brain is screaming at me to remember that ultimately, it doesn't matter. I have incredible friends like you and that's what matters, and it makes me so mad that I have trouble focusing on that. I hate that I care about people that I really just don't even care about, it makes no sense at all >8IIII

Regarding panic attacks, yeah. Yeah, I've had to run to the bathroom during work more than a few times to have one, and I had one in my own bathroom this morning before I left for the mall that lasted about ten minutes or so. I honestly never had them like this before, and it's such a weird experience. I would get like, small ones, I guess, when I worked at Buca sometimes? Like, if it got super busy when we first opened or if the manager was putting crazy pressure on me for no reason, I would get short of breath and kind of dizzy, but it wasn't like this. They go away eventually, and I'm able to just get right back into what I was doing but they're just maddening when I'm actively trying to deal with them.

Anyway, you're one person but you mean more to me than I can say. You don't know how much I appreciate your support and knowing that you're there has been so important and helpful to me because this isn't something I feel like I can talk to, say, my parents about or even most of my friends here on the island--of which there are very few. I just feel like it shouldn't be happening or that people will think I'm being way too dramatic, so I don't talk about it. I told you I told my friend about it today and that it kind of helped to say it out loud, but I don't know that there's anyone else I'd be willing to say it to like that. So anyway, the point is, thank you for being such an incredible friend to me and you know the same goes for you when it comes to venting and support <44444

[kaitmaree]

I am sending you lots of hugs, first and foremost, but I just wanted to say that I totally feel you on the RP things. I don't think anyone is universally liked, but you are certainly loved, and the friendships worth keeping wouldn't be lost because you stopped writing for a while. I'd be devastated as you disappeared, for whatever that's worth. You're such an important person in my life and it would be dimmer without you in it.

<333

[di]

I know that we've got an email thread going on specific work stuff (which I'm late in replying to and will do so still!), but I wanted to reply to this first because there's some of it that sounds familiar and maybe some that I can provide some outside perspective on, being a relatively new friend of yours.

First of all, I love the fact that you've set goals for yourself for the year. I remember having read that post but not having taken the time to comment, partially because I was busy with catching up on work after a long vacation, but that's really no excuse. I should have been more supportive, especially since some of it is more or less exactly aligned with goals that I've set for myself before.

The thing about goals, though, is that we need to forgive ourselves when we don't make them. Reaching a goal is a process, and should be treated as such, rather than a binary yes or no — I either make the goal or I don't. As long as you are progressing towards that eventual goal, you are already winning more and accomplishing more than you were before. More importantly, when we have multiple goals, it's important also to weigh which ones are the most valuable to achieve. Just thinking about some of the goals I remember you setting, things like keeping up with couch to 2k or things like taking the initiative to work on changing your job situation are far, far more valuable than forcing yourself under a certain calorie count. You've been making progress. You've been making steps. Don't discredit that.

Right now, it feels like the most important thing for you is coming back to the point where you can prioritize your own happiness. It does sound like you're depressed — and you can say that without worrying about an official diagnosis. You're not suggesting that you know in absolute terms if you're clinically depressed or situationally depressed, but you're in a position where it's hard to keep your anxiety down, let alone be happy or really enjoy the activities you take part in. Admitting that, and admitting that it's not your fault that you're in this place, is a valuable first step. Caring about yourself enough to get your feelings out there is a valuable first step. It's productive.

I'll save more of the work comments for email, but I'm still crossing fingers and toes that you get the position. If anything else happens, feel free to loop me in and we can start brainstorming on places where you can look for a better job. You deserve to be somewhere with potential upward mobility and that won't run you ragged.



Now, on the part that I really feel like I can provide some perspective on — the idea of burdening, irritating, or pushing people away. I think I might have been one of the people who, for a long period of time, seemed like someone who gave up on you or had only cared for a while because you were active in RP. And I think this because, for a long time, I indeed didn't really reply to the things that you tweeted about. The reason behind it, which I see now was probably a misconception, wasn't because you weren't providing entertainment in the form of RP anymore — it was because I presumed that you were no longer interested in me or the things I did, and therefore moved on to things that were more personally shiny for you. Which is all fine and not something that I personally hold against people when it's the case, unless that behavior is coming from someone who used to be incredibly, incredibly close, at which point I will definitely get upset. But we had been new friends at the time that I perceived you pulling away from Darrow and ceasing your activities there, and I thought it was just you moving on.

The point that I'm more trying to drive at is, sometimes it's incredibly important to communicate stuff like this out. That it can be far less of a burden to have that transparency, to let people know that you're just not feeling up to things or you have incredible stress on your plate. When you're communicative about the negative parts of life, it ends up actually helping people contextualize your behavior and helps you then gauge how valuable or healthy they are for you in turn. The people worth keeping around will stick by your side through experiences like this. They will be there for your lows as well as your highs. I feel, however backward it may sound, far closer to you now that we've talked about some aspect of your life that isn't... fictional, you know? The fictional stuff may be all fun and exciting, but it's this side that makes you real, it's understanding where you seek your personal triumphs and where you have your personal challenges that makes the friendship concrete and sets a precedent that can be lasting.

I'm not trying to say that all of the people you talked about are in the same position as me. Frankly, I've been there for people who flounce at the first sight of you not meeting their entertainment needs. I've seen that behavior in other people; I know it exists and is so, so disheartening to deal with. But, screw them. What's more important is that you find a place where you feel safe to talk through your tribulations and that you remember that your friends want you there. Even for the stuff that's hard. It's not a burden to them to be there; they are happier when you are happier, and the process of coming back from a rough patch is beneficial to everyone. Yourself, your family, your friends and loved ones.



Feeling alone and wanting to remove yourself entirely is a sentiment that I've heard from lots of people. The majority of my close friends just this past year, actually. And there will still be times when you feel that, especially as you grapple with the stresses that you have in your life right now. But, life wouldn't be better without you around. There is a group of people who love you very, very dearly, and there are also people who are getting to know you and want to know you better. You have value, and that is something I hope you can try to hold onto, even when your heart doesn't want to believe it. At least have your mind keep it there.



I don't know how helpful any of the above may be, and I hope I didn't make anything worse. But I do appreciate having gotten to know you and hope you stick around. And I'll do whatever I can to help ease things when they're rough. ♥