I know that we've got an email thread going on specific work stuff (which I'm late in replying to and will do so still!), but I wanted to reply to this first because there's some of it that sounds familiar and maybe some that I can provide some outside perspective on, being a relatively new friend of yours.
First of all, I love the fact that you've set goals for yourself for the year. I remember having read that post but not having taken the time to comment, partially because I was busy with catching up on work after a long vacation, but that's really no excuse. I should have been more supportive, especially since some of it is more or less exactly aligned with goals that I've set for myself before.
The thing about goals, though, is that we need to forgive ourselves when we don't make them. Reaching a goal is a process, and should be treated as such, rather than a binary yes or no — I either make the goal or I don't. As long as you are progressing towards that eventual goal, you are already winning more and accomplishing more than you were before. More importantly, when we have multiple goals, it's important also to weigh which ones are the most valuable to achieve. Just thinking about some of the goals I remember you setting, things like keeping up with couch to 2k or things like taking the initiative to work on changing your job situation are far, far more valuable than forcing yourself under a certain calorie count. You've been making progress. You've been making steps. Don't discredit that.
Right now, it feels like the most important thing for you is coming back to the point where you can prioritize your own happiness. It does sound like you're depressed — and you can say that without worrying about an official diagnosis. You're not suggesting that you know in absolute terms if you're clinically depressed or situationally depressed, but you're in a position where it's hard to keep your anxiety down, let alone be happy or really enjoy the activities you take part in. Admitting that, and admitting that it's not your fault that you're in this place, is a valuable first step. Caring about yourself enough to get your feelings out there is a valuable first step. It's productive.
I'll save more of the work comments for email, but I'm still crossing fingers and toes that you get the position. If anything else happens, feel free to loop me in and we can start brainstorming on places where you can look for a better job. You deserve to be somewhere with potential upward mobility and that won't run you ragged.
Now, on the part that I really feel like I can provide some perspective on — the idea of burdening, irritating, or pushing people away. I think I might have been one of the people who, for a long period of time, seemed like someone who gave up on you or had only cared for a while because you were active in RP. And I think this because, for a long time, I indeed didn't really reply to the things that you tweeted about. The reason behind it, which I see now was probably a misconception, wasn't because you weren't providing entertainment in the form of RP anymore — it was because I presumed that you were no longer interested in me or the things I did, and therefore moved on to things that were more personally shiny for you. Which is all fine and not something that I personally hold against people when it's the case, unless that behavior is coming from someone who used to be incredibly, incredibly close, at which point I will definitely get upset. But we had been new friends at the time that I perceived you pulling away from Darrow and ceasing your activities there, and I thought it was just you moving on.
The point that I'm more trying to drive at is, sometimes it's incredibly important to communicate stuff like this out. That it can be far less of a burden to have that transparency, to let people know that you're just not feeling up to things or you have incredible stress on your plate. When you're communicative about the negative parts of life, it ends up actually helping people contextualize your behavior and helps you then gauge how valuable or healthy they are for you in turn. The people worth keeping around will stick by your side through experiences like this. They will be there for your lows as well as your highs. I feel, however backward it may sound, far closer to you now that we've talked about some aspect of your life that isn't... fictional, you know? The fictional stuff may be all fun and exciting, but it's this side that makes you real, it's understanding where you seek your personal triumphs and where you have your personal challenges that makes the friendship concrete and sets a precedent that can be lasting.
I'm not trying to say that all of the people you talked about are in the same position as me. Frankly, I've been there for people who flounce at the first sight of you not meeting their entertainment needs. I've seen that behavior in other people; I know it exists and is so, so disheartening to deal with. But, screw them. What's more important is that you find a place where you feel safe to talk through your tribulations and that you remember that your friends want you there. Even for the stuff that's hard. It's not a burden to them to be there; they are happier when you are happier, and the process of coming back from a rough patch is beneficial to everyone. Yourself, your family, your friends and loved ones.
Feeling alone and wanting to remove yourself entirely is a sentiment that I've heard from lots of people. The majority of my close friends just this past year, actually. And there will still be times when you feel that, especially as you grapple with the stresses that you have in your life right now. But, life wouldn't be better without you around. There is a group of people who love you very, very dearly, and there are also people who are getting to know you and want to know you better. You have value, and that is something I hope you can try to hold onto, even when your heart doesn't want to believe it. At least have your mind keep it there.
I don't know how helpful any of the above may be, and I hope I didn't make anything worse. But I do appreciate having gotten to know you and hope you stick around. And I'll do whatever I can to help ease things when they're rough. ♥
no subject
First of all, I love the fact that you've set goals for yourself for the year. I remember having read that post but not having taken the time to comment, partially because I was busy with catching up on work after a long vacation, but that's really no excuse. I should have been more supportive, especially since some of it is more or less exactly aligned with goals that I've set for myself before.
The thing about goals, though, is that we need to forgive ourselves when we don't make them. Reaching a goal is a process, and should be treated as such, rather than a binary yes or no — I either make the goal or I don't. As long as you are progressing towards that eventual goal, you are already winning more and accomplishing more than you were before. More importantly, when we have multiple goals, it's important also to weigh which ones are the most valuable to achieve. Just thinking about some of the goals I remember you setting, things like keeping up with couch to 2k or things like taking the initiative to work on changing your job situation are far, far more valuable than forcing yourself under a certain calorie count. You've been making progress. You've been making steps. Don't discredit that.
Right now, it feels like the most important thing for you is coming back to the point where you can prioritize your own happiness. It does sound like you're depressed — and you can say that without worrying about an official diagnosis. You're not suggesting that you know in absolute terms if you're clinically depressed or situationally depressed, but you're in a position where it's hard to keep your anxiety down, let alone be happy or really enjoy the activities you take part in. Admitting that, and admitting that it's not your fault that you're in this place, is a valuable first step. Caring about yourself enough to get your feelings out there is a valuable first step. It's productive.
I'll save more of the work comments for email, but I'm still crossing fingers and toes that you get the position. If anything else happens, feel free to loop me in and we can start brainstorming on places where you can look for a better job. You deserve to be somewhere with potential upward mobility and that won't run you ragged.
Now, on the part that I really feel like I can provide some perspective on — the idea of burdening, irritating, or pushing people away. I think I might have been one of the people who, for a long period of time, seemed like someone who gave up on you or had only cared for a while because you were active in RP. And I think this because, for a long time, I indeed didn't really reply to the things that you tweeted about. The reason behind it, which I see now was probably a misconception, wasn't because you weren't providing entertainment in the form of RP anymore — it was because I presumed that you were no longer interested in me or the things I did, and therefore moved on to things that were more personally shiny for you. Which is all fine and not something that I personally hold against people when it's the case, unless that behavior is coming from someone who used to be incredibly, incredibly close, at which point I will definitely get upset. But we had been new friends at the time that I perceived you pulling away from Darrow and ceasing your activities there, and I thought it was just you moving on.
The point that I'm more trying to drive at is, sometimes it's incredibly important to communicate stuff like this out. That it can be far less of a burden to have that transparency, to let people know that you're just not feeling up to things or you have incredible stress on your plate. When you're communicative about the negative parts of life, it ends up actually helping people contextualize your behavior and helps you then gauge how valuable or healthy they are for you in turn. The people worth keeping around will stick by your side through experiences like this. They will be there for your lows as well as your highs. I feel, however backward it may sound, far closer to you now that we've talked about some aspect of your life that isn't... fictional, you know? The fictional stuff may be all fun and exciting, but it's this side that makes you real, it's understanding where you seek your personal triumphs and where you have your personal challenges that makes the friendship concrete and sets a precedent that can be lasting.
I'm not trying to say that all of the people you talked about are in the same position as me. Frankly, I've been there for people who flounce at the first sight of you not meeting their entertainment needs. I've seen that behavior in other people; I know it exists and is so, so disheartening to deal with. But, screw them. What's more important is that you find a place where you feel safe to talk through your tribulations and that you remember that your friends want you there. Even for the stuff that's hard. It's not a burden to them to be there; they are happier when you are happier, and the process of coming back from a rough patch is beneficial to everyone. Yourself, your family, your friends and loved ones.
Feeling alone and wanting to remove yourself entirely is a sentiment that I've heard from lots of people. The majority of my close friends just this past year, actually. And there will still be times when you feel that, especially as you grapple with the stresses that you have in your life right now. But, life wouldn't be better without you around. There is a group of people who love you very, very dearly, and there are also people who are getting to know you and want to know you better. You have value, and that is something I hope you can try to hold onto, even when your heart doesn't want to believe it. At least have your mind keep it there.
I don't know how helpful any of the above may be, and I hope I didn't make anything worse. But I do appreciate having gotten to know you and hope you stick around. And I'll do whatever I can to help ease things when they're rough. ♥