kaiju_mittons: (Default)
erika ([personal profile] kaiju_mittons) wrote2015-01-11 11:28 am
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I'm writing this here because I know there won't be many people who see it or who will want to comment on it. I just need to get it out so most of it probably won't even make coherent sense, it's just rambling.

I feel like such an utter failure in every sense of the word. As a friend, as a girlfriend, as a daughter, as an employee. I just feel like there's no way anyone would want to talk to me because over the past few months, I've become so utterly... I don't know, I don't want to outright say depressed because I haven't been to a doctor or anything, but I'm not sure what else to call it.

Some days, like today, I just really hate myself. Over the smallest things, too. I left my cinnamon rolls in the oven for a couple minutes too long, my dad had one that I had rolled with bacon (which I've been so excited to try) and said he didn't like it, so now I don't even want to eat mine. I feel like I want to throw up even though I've had nothing to eat but I don't want to eat because I feel so profoundly sad that I have no appetite. I hate that when I do have one, I can't exercise enough control over what I eat. I made it my goal to stop drinking soda, I've had 3 this week. I am trying to keep under a certain calorie count, I've gotten over it twice this week. I've only been at it for a week, and I can't even do it.

At work, I hate my boss so much that it makes me cry on my way home to work almost every day. She dumps all of her work on me and when we don't hit our goals, she demands a plan when the plan should be that she should help. I can't do it on my own, and she offers no real incentive (nor does the bank itself, for that matter) to try. She'll send me on menial tasks like returning shoes at the mall for her, which can only fuel her fire when I return and haven't gotten sales in for the day. The past week, I had to go to the mall twice to return shoes. There's still one pair I have to return for her because they needed her credit card for it, so I'll have to go again on Monday. I'm not going on my weekend and off the clock, there's just no way. I applied for a supervisor position in the branch, and she said my interviewer said the interview went well but I honestly don't trust anything she says anymore so I still have no idea what's going to happen.

A part of me hopes I get the promotion because I want to be able to have it on my resume when I finally leave this company. Another part of me hopes I don't because it will give me a reason to really start looking at other jobs now. I don't know if moving branches would help because I'll still hate the sales aspect of my job and even though I may go into another job where sales is a big part of it, I'd want it to be something like travel industry. Of course, my real wish would be to end up in the entertainment industry in some way or another, but it's difficult to tackle that when I can barely keep my ahead above water at work now.

My boyfriend tries so hard to make time to see me but I'm so afraid of being a burden to him with my complaints and whining that I try to avoid him sometimes. It makes me feel so guilty because he wants nothing more than just to be with me, to make sure I'm okay, and it's such a selfish thing to do. He's one of the very, very few people who make me feel better when I'm especially down, it's so ridiculous to run away from someone who can do that and yet, it keeps happening. Our four-year anniversary hits in April, and I'm still afraid that I'm going to run him off even though at this point, I think there isn't much that could make him do that when he already knows what kind of person I am. So I don't know what my problem is.

I try to use fiction as a distraction, whether it be through RP or letting my love for certain actors and characters go wild but for the most part, I only feel like it's irritating to most people. I've lost friends over the past year to things I still don't quite understand (a lack of presence in RP for a while? in which case, I suppose the friendship wasn't strong enough to begin with but it still makes me so bummed to know that I meant so little), I seek relationships with people who don't give me a second thought even when I try to be kind or reach out, and I know that I shouldn't expect anything from anyone for being nice but I suppose I'm that selfish in the sense that I think a little reciprocation can't possibly be that difficult. I don't understand myself in that regard, why I would want acknowledgment or approval or whatever it is I'm looking for from people who just don't consider me a relevant part of their lives. Maybe it's just the need to be universally liked, which I know I am not and is impossible in general, but knowing that doesn't seem to help. Knowing that it's not worth the trouble doesn't help. It'll always bum me out to know that there are people who don't like me just because of who I am and therefore, there's nothing I can do to change that.

I guess I just don't know what to do. I feel like a broken record because I've been singing the same song for months now but there's no quick fix. I've never felt this horribly before and I hate to be a burden on people who are willing to listen but must be so over what I have to say. I know that my true friends are always going to be there for me, would never tell me to stop venting because I would never do that to them either, but sometimes, I just feel very, very alone. Sometimes, I feel like I could purge myself from the internet and nobody would notice, nobody would care, and on those days (days like this), I wonder if maybe it really would be better just to remove myself from people's lives.

Anyway. Like I said, I just needed to get this all out somewhere. It gets hard to breathe sometimes, my chest gets all tight and the only thing that's left to do is cry, but I've never really written it all out quite like this so maybe it'll help. I feel slightly better having done it, I guess. Maybe I'll just delete it later, I don't know, but for now, I'm going to hope that I can get myself together and do something productive with my day before I have to go back to work tomorrow and do this all over again.

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